Quips 1 Quips
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Quips 5 Quips 6 Quips 7 Humor 8 Humor 9 Humor 10 Humor 11
Humor 12
The Old Stuff
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the
pearly gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives,
that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you
want".
The first nun says "I want to be Bo Derek" and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Sarah Pepalini". St Peter looks
perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sarah Pepalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't
ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put
them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I
am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling."
**caution - leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the>
right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what
I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrink two sizes.
Age is important only if you're a cheese.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you
try the next one." Kally, age 9
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're
stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then!" Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get
married!" Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody
to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change
no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some
coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?
"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, younguns... I got
something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get
married, anyway?'" Craig, age 9
WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases
together." Marlon,age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds
on it." Lori, age 8
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a
live one." Angie L., age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin,
age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just
the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: I swear by Almighty God.
CLERK: That the evidence that I give...
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: Repeat it.
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: That the evidence that I give...
WITNESS: That the evidence that I give.
CLERK: Shall be the truth and...
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:
"Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: Shall be the truth and.
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth...?"
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words:
"Nothing," "But," "The" "Truth."
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar you know...
From a case in Alabama where my cousin presides (he swears its the truth and ....)
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place"
On an infant's bathrub: "Do Not Throw Out Baby with bath water."
On a package of Fisherman's Friend (R) thoat lozenges: "Not meant as a
substitute for human companionship."
On a roll of Life Savers: "Not for use as a flotation device." (Someone
this stupid may not know what a "flotation device is.)
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: "Allow to cool before applying to groin
area."
On a regrigerator: "Refrigerate after opening."
On a disposable razor: "Do not use this product during an earthquake."
On a handgun: "Not recommended for use as a nutcracker."
On pantyhose: "Not to be used in the commission of a felony." (Only
misdemeanors?????)
On a piano: "Harmful or fatal if swallowed." (How????)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: "Not to be used for breast augmentation." (Damn!)
On a Pentium chip: "If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2.00 shipping and a $3.00 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97." (I add like this on occasion!)
On work gloves: "For best results, do not leave at crime scene."
On a palm sander: "Not to be used to sand palms."
On a calendar: "Use of the term 'Sunday' for reference only. No
meteorological warranties express or implied."
On odor eaters: "Do not eat."
On a blender: "Not for use as an aquarium."
On syrup of ipecac: "Caution: May cause vomiting."
Official Baby Boomers Qualifying Exam
QUESTION #1:
Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course.
Consider this a warm-up. [If you can't answer this one without
thinking,
close up the test, and move on to something else. We have nothing
further
to discuss.
QUESTION #2:
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, _________!" Admittedly,
this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it from
both
the movies and the boob tube.
QUESTION #3:
"Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________.
QUESTION #4:
What do M&M's do? ________________________________
QUESTION #5:
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? __________________.
QUESTION #6:
Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him
was _________ _________.
QUESTION #7:
"You'll wonder where the yellow went, ________________________."
QUESTION #8:
Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabees, know Bob Denver as
the
Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers know that Bob Denver is
actually Dobie's closest friend, _____________ G. _____________.
QUESTION #9:
"M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: ______? __________ ____ _______
________."
QUESTION #10:
Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the
lobby of the girls' dormitory ___________________.
QUESTION #11:
"Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."
QUESTION #12:
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _________________.
QUESTION #13:
From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this
line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______ _______ ______ ______
____ ________."
QUESTION #14:
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh,
huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."
QUESTION #15:
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is
just
as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you could use a
little help here: "Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the
flowers gone? ______________________________."
QUESTION #16:
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending
battle
for truth, justice, and ______ _______________ __________.
QUESTION #17:
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best
quarterbacks in the history of the NFL, and later went on to appear in
a
television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway
_______
_____________.
QUESTION #18:
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to
the finish, ___________________________." I'm Popeye the sailor man."
QUESTION #19:
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by
Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by
___________ _____________.
QUESTION #20:
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman,
was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing: _______________.
QUESTION #21:
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ___ ___________ _____ _________________."
QUESTION #22:
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race
for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ________ ____________ to kick around any more."
QUESTION #23:
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip.
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, _____ ________ ________."
QUESTION #24:
"I found my thrill, _____ ' ____________ __________________." You may
remember Riche Cunningham singing this. But if you are a true boomer, you
know it was Fats Domino who made this line famous.
QUESTION #25:
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ________ _______ ________." This originated
long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.
QUESTION #26:
"Good night, David." "_________ __________, __________."
On a revolving door: "Passenger compartments for individual use only."
(Oh. . . )
On a microscope: "Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear."
On children's alphabet blocks: "Letters may be used to contstruct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive."
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding
album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire
service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and
she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first
time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the
aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one
started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday
to you...."
After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6-year-old
boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. "Oh,
he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church
business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor... then he has to have
time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, know. "The boy
thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either."
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar
wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the
pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very
pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost
directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a
bi#ch to iron."
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after me. One
night she said she was ready to solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail.
Amen."
FMC member Pastor Stan Holdeman of Garden Baptist Church in Indiana
went to an informal church gathering, wearing shorts and a T-shirt. A
little girl from a newly religious family; who had seen him only in his
Sunday morning suits loudly proclaimed: "Hey, preacher, you sure look
different with clothes on!"
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented: "The choir was
awful this morning." The father commented: "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-yr. old daughter added: "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dime."
A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old
Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each
other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. The
little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know
there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of everyday, someone in
an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.
DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesnĘt hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash !
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory,
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? * Steve
Bluestone
Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac. * George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. * Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.* Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. *
Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place. * Johnny Carson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three. * Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? *
John Mendoza
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you. * Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash. * Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. *
Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. *
Lynda Montgomery
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are
things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Are you certain that Mr. Collins was dead at the time of the autopsy,
doctor?
A: Yes.
Q: And how do you know he was dead?
A: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.
Q: Isn't it possible that he was still alive at the time of autopsy?
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition:
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your
septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous
"Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
who doesn't get it.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS: the one true operating system.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you
in awe.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
Manufracture: to produce items which break after little use.
Imargination: the fantasy of being liminalized.
Telegant: Looking good on tv.
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath he replied. I think it's
printed on the bottom."
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the
left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong
feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me,
Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has
to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back
of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and
spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?", his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken the boy> explained.
I'm looking for the seal."
"Can people predict the future with cards?"
"My mother can."
"Really?"
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen
when my father gets home."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the
flea?"
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And
lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."
"Where's the English Channel? "
"I don't know, our television doesn't pick it up."
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not
cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known
any chickens.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken Coop 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your check book.
Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did
ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
Artificial Perspiration."
* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the
other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she
began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the
people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was
cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
United Airlines.
A man called wanting to know if we flew to Maconga. After
the agent asked what country this was in, the woman replied
that it was in the United States "somewhere in the Midwest".
The agent got out a travel guide and looked alphabetically
for the city when she finally stumbled on to it...Macon, Ga.
I often fly the London to Minneapolis route, and in doing
so have seen many funny things, but this is the best by far..
The air hostesses have found out that in the morning,
when they come around to serve tea and coffee, heading
towards England, that about 90% of the people want coffee.
Therefore, they go along the aisles with pots of coffee
and cups, no tea. When a person wants tea, they give them
the cup and tell them to press the stewardess call button,
and someone will be along with a pot of tea.
After they get towards the end of the plane, that sentence
had been Reduced to "If you want tea, press that button."
This lead to the man in front of me, desiring tea, putting
his cup underneath the overhead, and pressing the call button
repeatedly, to the amusement of everyone behind him. He then
stood up and loudly proclaimed that the tea machine was broken!
Toddler Property Laws:
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If it's... Whoops! Sorry, I goofed! Instead of reading the Toddler
Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel
and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am
still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at
least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his
new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent
the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going
to be.
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure
how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me
documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old
saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had
the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the
basic process but needed three years to research, implement and design a
new state-of-the art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how,
but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations. He told me that
he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do
it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the
product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do
was ..... - God I miss him!
So now I've married you and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going
to get screwed this time!"
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells
her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls
him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, he's called "Your Eminence".
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first
three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 2"...he has plenty of money... broad, square
shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular
body...tight hard buns... and whenever he walks into a room... women
gasp, 'Oh, my Lord.'
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . . Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have
seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is
water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live
in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm
commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and
simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is
to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has
a job next year."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in
our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
de said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am
still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at
least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his
new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent
the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going
to be.
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure
how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me
documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old
saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had
the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the
basic process but needed three years to research, implement and design a
new state-of-the art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how,
but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations. He told me that
he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do
it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the
product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do
was ..... - God I miss him!
So now I've married you and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going
to get screwed this time!"
Mary Louise Gilman, the
venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor
in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here
are some transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the
word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the
witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for
God's sake, tell them your first name!
*******************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
********************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
********************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
********************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
********************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
*********************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
*********************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her
children by Dr. cherney, and said he was really good.
*********************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at the time?
*********************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally
unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
*********************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people?
*********************
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
*********************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate
his words.
**********************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
***********************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
***********************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you
have any.
***********************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
************************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to
and were able, for the time being excluding all the
restraints on he not to go, gone also, would he have brought
you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
*************************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
*************************
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
*************************
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not,
Where there was a victim?
*************************
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*************************
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
*************************
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on, what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and put on top of my head.
*************************
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
*************************
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
sonofabitch - and she did!
*************************
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
*************************
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
*************************
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
*************************
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*************************
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
*************************
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
*************************
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*************************
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A. I have only one, you know.
-------------------------------------------------------------------Deborah J. Leslie | Rare Book Catalog Librarian | Sterling Memorial Library PO Box 208240 | Yale University | New Haven, CT 06520-8240
deborah.leslie@yale.edu | (203) 432-8377 | (203) 432-7231 (fax)
http://www.library.yale.edu/-dleslie
I read these to friends having cocktails, and low and behold, if one of them didn't later bring me a book containing the above quotes. It is NOT as indicated in the E mail but is Anguished English by Richard Lederer published in 1987/89 by Laurel Books/Dell/Bantam Doubleday. Let the record be corrected! (Also, there are many more quips that were not included in the E mail version.)
05/22/00