THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DIVORCE:
PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER
Copyright @1993,1997
Adapted from How to Divorce in New York by Grier Raggio
and Michael Stutman (St. Martin's Press, New York, N.Y., 1993),
with special thanks to Lowell K. Halverson and John W. Kydd.
by Grier Raggio
Law Offices of Raggio
& Raggio, P.L.L.C.
Go to Raggiolaw Home Page
WHAT MAKES A
MARRIAGE SUCCESSFUL
FRIENDSHIP IS IMPORTANT
SEX IS IMPORTANT
MANY
PEOPLE STAY TOO LONG IN BAD MARRIAGES
DIVORCE IS ALMOST
ALWAYS EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT
IT IS UNWISE TO USE
DIVORCE LITIGATION TO VENT NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
THERE ARE LOTS OF
CHANGES AT A MARRIAGE'S END
YOU OWE YOUR KIDS A LOT
MENTAL
HEALTH BASICS FOR DEALING WITH DIVORCE
YOU'RE NO ANGEL, BUT YOU'RE
NOT SO BAD, EITHER
ACCEPT THE PAST, DEAL WITH IT, AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE
HELP IS JUST AROUND
THE CORNER
YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF
START WITH FRIENDS,
NOT LOVERS
SEX IS STILL IMPORTANT
FREEDOM
This psychological divorce
chapter is different from the other chapters in the book which
are about things like property division, child support, and
cohabitation, which law school gives one tools to handle. Law
school does not train one to be a psychologist. I respect the
generalizations that mental health professionals make about
marriage and divorce, and frequently use their materials in
advising clients and often send them to mental health
professionals. But I limited this chapter instead to what I could
say was true from my own experiences and left the rest to the
mental health professionals.
One downside of this approach is that after twenty five years
of practicing family law, there are only a few things about the
psychological aspects of marriage and divorce that I'm confident
I know and yet are applicable generally to couples. Here they
are:
WHAT MAKES A
MARRIAGE SUCCESSFUL
FRIENDSHIP IS IMPORTANT
The best indicator of a good marriage is that the partners are
best friends. I have seen such couples in real life, but nothing
close has ever come through my office door as a divorce lawyer.
My clients often say they respect their partner, or feel
affection, loyalty, guilt, an a range of other emotions, but they
almost never say they're good friends. Many, on the other hand,
have come in and said they really don't like their spouse or
enjoy being together. The realization that you and your spouse
have not been good friends for a long time, if that is true,
should make attempting the marriage's end easier. Maybe you are
not losing so much after all.
SEX IS IMPORTANT
Clients often report that sex in the marriage died a year ago,
two years ago, four years ago, even though the parties have
continued to live together. One year I had several female
clients, each of whom complained that her husband had lost
interest in sex shortly after marrying, even though the sexual
relationship had been fine before and for the first few months or
years after the wedding. The couples were mostly in their
forties, with no physical problems that would explain lack of
interest and no suspected sexual involvements by the men outside
the marriage. Feeling that an important part of her emotional
life was missing, each of the women insisted that her marriage
end, even though each husband wanted the marriage to continue.
The sexually uninterested spouse is sometimes the woman. Men
have told me that the sexual relationship ended years before,
when their wives suggested that their husbands sleep in another
room because their snoring bothered them or some such reason. The
wife then rejects the husband's sexual requests for one or
another plausible reason, and the discouraged husband makes the
request less and less frequently. The parties continue sharing
the same house for months or years before either does anything to
end the legal marriage. I once told a husband that he had been
committing emotional suicide by staying in such a relationship.
In any event, when a new client reports that sex in the
marriage stopped or became very infrequent years ago, my
experience tells me that the marriage is over and counseling is
not going to save the relationship. But when sex is alive, even
though there are lots of problems, I strongly recommend that the
couple can see an appropriate counselor together and try to work
things out.
Here again, the fact that a significant part of a healthy
marriage has been missing should make accepting divorce easier
for both spouses.
MANY PEOPLE
STAY TOO LONG IN BAD MARRIAGES
Despite the repeats, I continue to be amazed at the answers to
my question about when the marriage went bad. The couple has been
married for twenty-odd years, and my client tells me that he or
she has been unhappy in the relationship since the first year.
The reasons for staying married vary, and I think much boils down
to embarrassment and fear. There is a joke about a couple in
their nineties appearing in court for a divorce. They tell the
judge they've been married for seventy-five years and have been
unhappy with each other from year one. The judge asks why they're
getting divorced at such an advanced age. "Judge, we were
waiting for the children to die."
I believe that people should work hard to make their marriages
mutually satisfying, that we should do the nice things that Reader's
Digest, women's magazines, and the professional literature
say are needed to make a relationship grow. But I see in my
practice so many years spent in relationships that were, at least
in retrospect, failures almost from he beginning. Many of my
clients who have endured poor marriages experience surges of joy,
along with the usual depression, anger, and fear, when the
divorce is at last done.
One lawyer's experience does not mean that marriages that have
been bad for years do not get saved and become vibrant,
satisfying relationships. Mental health professionals report such
successful outcomes when the underlying psychological issues that
prevent one or both spouses from having a good marriage are
treated in therapy. As it happens, I have not seen them in my law
practice.
DIVORCE IS ALMOST
ALWAYS EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT
Even if a marriage is very poor, it gives a certain structure
to life that is upset by divorce. The stress varies, depending on
many factors, including whether you are the one making the call
that the marriage is over. In my experience, about two out of
three marriages that end do so after the wife first makes that
decision. Often she has thought about divorce for a year or two
before taking a firm position, and the prospect of divorce is a
shock to the husband, who has ignored the many signals of
discontent his wife gave during that year or two. The initiating
spouse may predominantly experience guilt, the other may be
shaken to the core by the rejection, and both may be depressed,
angry, afraid,and so forth. As in life itself, everyone has some
pain during the exiting process.
IT IS UNWISE TO USE
DIVORCE LITIGATION TO VENT NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
I believe that it is usually unwise, destructive, and
self-destructive to use divorce legal procedures as weapons to
punish one's spouse for his or her failings. There are lawyers
who disagree. I had a discussion with a partner in a large law
firm shortly after my earlier divorce book came out who
criticized my emphasis on settlement, arguing that divorcing
couples needed the "catharsis" of adversary litigation
to really get over their marriages.
My experience is that everyone, including the couple's
children, is better off if the divorce is completed without going
to court except to get an uncontested divorce after a separation
agreement is signed. In my practice the parties and the attorneys
are almost always able to reach satisfactory agreements on the
custody, support, and property division issues that should be
settled before there is a divorce. When I do go to trial, which
is usually once or twice a year, it is often because there is a
fundamental, good faith difference of opinion and interests that
cannot be compromised, such as whether the parties' children
should live primarily with one parent on the East Coast or the
other parent on the West Coast.
There are, of course, cases where one or the other spouse is
so entangled with negative emotions that he or she cannot reach a
reasonable settlement, one that would allow the parties and their
children to get on with their lives with a minimum of handicaps.
I try to let some time pass in hopes that the anger, hurt, or
whatever will dissipate and allow a fair settlement. But if those
emotions remain dominant, the legal force embodied in your
state's divorce court is available to impose a solution to the
couple's custody, support, and property issues. That has a price
for each spouse in money, stress, lost time, and possible
emotional damage to themselves and their children.
THERE ARE LOTS OF
CHANGES AT A MARRIAGE'S END
The psychological reality of ending a marital relationship is
complicated by the fact that numerous concrete problems, many of
which seem overwhelming, often arise. Money that previously was
devoted to maintaining one household will now have to be split
between two. One or both of the parties may have to abruptly
alter their standard of living or adjust their living patterns in
order to meet their expenses. Disputes concerning the allocation
of limited funds are likely to arise.
Separation and divorce usually require an adjustment in social
relationship as the breakup sends a shock wave through the
couple's network of family and friends. Although friends and
family will offer comfort and support, the parties may have to
recognize that their new single status distances them from this
social circle. It is important to remind yourself that adjusting
your life simultaneously to familial, financial, and social
change requires a lot of energy, and you should pat yourself on
the back occasionally simply for being able to deal with these
changes.
If you seek the advice of an attorney you have entered the
unfamiliar world of lawyers and the law. People turn to lawyers
because they feel they need an expert who can protect their
interests, who knows legal rules and procedures, and who can
draft an enforceable settlement agreement and the other papers
necessary for divorce. Depending on the lawyer you choose, you
may feel even less control over the course of events than you did
before. Not all lawyers are the same, and your choice of one, as
discussed in chapter three, is very important.
YOU OWE YOUR KIDS A LOT
Parents will need to deal with their children and often to
reestablish relationships with them. This will be a difficult
hurdle for you to face and may produce the most guilt. Children
seek explanations of what went wrong, and you, often unsure
yourself about the answers, will have difficulty providing
sufficient answers for them. Children often feel alienated and
confused during and after a divorce, and it is crucial that both
parents reassure them that they love them and will stand by them.
Keep in mind that love and security in childhood are building
blocks to healthy, happy individuals and are the best gifts you
can give your children.
Both parents should maintain an active, ongoing relationship
with their children and should encourage each other to spend time
with the children. When negotiating the specifics to accomplish
this, the children's best interests should be paramount. The
children should not be used as a bargaining tool to manipulate
your ex-spouse into accepting your financial terms on a
settlement. While this warning may seem self-evident, in the
midst of the myriad shocks of divorce, even the best of parents
can lose sight of their children's pain and confusion.
MENTAL
HEALTH BASICS FOR DEALING WITH DIVORCE
The following are some basic principles on which most mental
health professionals dealing with divorce, in my analysis, seem
to agree.
YOU'RE NO ANGEL, BUT YOU'RE
NOT SO BAD, EITHER
Altering your family status can be a serious threat to your
perception of who you are in the world. Many spouses define
themselves by their marriage and thus are devastated by the
prospect of divorce: "If my marriage is a failure, then so
am I." Besides seeing yourself generally as a failure, often
you may see vividly where your spouse is at fault in the breakup
of your relationship. Many people who are going through this
process, whether they initiated the divorce or not, tend to see
themselves as victims. It is important to remember that a
relationship is a two-way street, and just as both parties
contribute to the success of a relationship, so do both parties
contribute, to a greater or lesser degree, to its failure. You
should consider trying to change your frame of mind by seeing a
counselor and reading self-help books. These sources can help you
to deal with the negative emotions you are feeling, build a
positive outlook, and boost your self-esteem so that you no
longer see yourself as a victim.
ACCEPT
THE PAST, DEAL WITH IT, AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE
The changes you are facing unleash an overwhelming,and at
times a seemingly endless, stream of emotions. Amid the feelings
of anger, fear, betrayal, failure, and disillusionment is the
terrible feeling that what is happening is happening to you alone.
It takes most people several months or years to come to terms
with these feelings, but the process is worth the struggle.
Often the first stage that divorced couples experience,
particularly the party who did not want the divorce and has not
prepared himself or herself for it, is shock and denial. You may
question whether the time you spent married was wasted. However,
you must realize that you cannot completely obliterate the past
or cut it out of your life. In order to deal with your past you
must salvage something positive from it and integrate it into
your new life.
This process of self-discovery will not be easy. It requires
letting go of the feelings of hurt and anger that you have been
clinging to and coming to terms with the reality of your
marriage. It is crucial that you do not let these destructive
feelings control you, as they will create a whirlpool effect,
leading you deeper and deeper into depression. Letting go of
these very painful and destructive feelings can be accomplished
by accepting the reality of your past, learning something from
it, and bringing those lessons with you as you build a healthier
and more confident image of yourself. You must redirect your
emotional investments from maintaining the relationship to
maintaining yourself. When you finally do let go, you may have
the urge to act on your emotional freedom. Some clients report
scouring the entire house to purge it of anything that reminds
them of their ex-partner. Others completely rearrange the
furniture.
In the process of looking back you will learn how to look
forward and move on with your life. This can be a very exciting
stage. After coming through it most people arrive at a point
where they can feel good about themselves, their bodies, and
their capacities as creative and autonomous adults to deal with
whatever life throws their way.
One danger is letting resentment toward your former spouse
take too much of your energies. One psychologist I know, Dr. Pat
Otis, warns against carrying "so much hatred that, like
acid, it eats holes in your capacity to love."
HELP IS JUST AROUND
THE CORNER
As mentioned above, one of the most painful feelings you are
experiencing probably is the loneliness that results from
separation or divorce. You need to learn to grow through
loneliness to the state of aloneness, in which you are
comfortable doing things by yourself and for yourself. This
process often begins with a "hiding in the sand" period
during which you may dive into your apartment or your work for
weeks at a time. Each is an equally effective avoidance that is
healthy over a short term, but it is dangerous over a long term.
One option that many people use to deal with the feeling of
loneliness is joining a support group of similarly situated
people. These groups can be very helpful, not only in helping
people better understand the feelings they are experiencing but
also in helping them counteract their natural tendency to feel
that they are all alone.
Whether you choose to join an organized support group, or
individual therapy, do further reading, or rely on your own
network of family and friends, the best advice you can receive is
to accept your situation, deal with your feelings, and build a
stronger you. If your support group tends to place blame on the
other party or encourage your self-pity, do yourself a favor and
find another group. Their advice, while it may be tempting to
accept, will retard your progress and will not help you move on
with your life.
YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF
Some divorced people find it easy to love others and quite
difficult to love themselves. They are basically
"half-people" attempting to find wholeness through
loving another. A love based on a fear-filled flight from
emptiness and loneliness is unlikely to last. Realizing your
self-love is basic to all productive, vital, growing
relationships. Self-love means that you accept yourself for who
you are. We must each appreciate and understand our strengths and
our weaknesses.
Self-love does not mean that you love only yourself,
but rather that your capacity to love and accept others is
founded on your love and acceptance of yourself. After a divorce
it's typical to feel that you have no capacity to love either
yourself or others. This is a self-esteem issue, and there are
many exercises to improve the situation. For example, you could
list five adjectives that describe yourself and then put a plus
sign after each worked that you think is positive and a minus
sign after each negative. After you have done this, look at the
negative adjectives and see if you can find anything positive
about that particular aspect of your personality. The harder you
work at this, the more positive things you're likely to find.
Those who received scant love as children often have a great deal
of difficulty loving themselves as adults. For some people,
turning to (or returning to) their church or a particular clergy
person can be supportive and strengthening in this period.
Self-love is a particularly important issue for children
involved in divorce. Many children feel that they have been shown
to be unlovable, since one of their parents has left the home.
They fear that the remaining parent will leave as well. This is
critical time for parents to do their best to reassure their
children that they are cared for and deeply loved. This is very
difficult for parents because children are often in need of the
greatest love when their parents are least capable of providing
it. Parents should make special efforts to explain to their
children that even though they are having doubts about the love
they feel for their children.
Those who have passed through the self-love trial often report
that they emerge feeling securely lovable and that they no longer
are afraid of being loved or of loving another.
START WITH FRIENDS,
NOT LOVERS
Some recently divorced people complain that members of the
opposite sex simply cannot be trusted. Trusting again is a
difficult task for some, and it must be accomplished cautiously.
The key to this stage is to make friends, not lovers.
Too often a divorced person plunges into a new romance too
early, and the result is a relationship that is either dominating
or desperate and often smothering. We must learn to trust before
we can love safely.
Our incapacity to trust may be related to the wounds created
by our divorce, or it may stem from childhood experiences. Some
who have been deeply wounded find themselves either avoiding
relationships or indulging in brief, exploitative relationships
where the other party has little or no power. Others feel that
they must make every relationship into a lifelong love
relationship. Trying to make a lifelong relationship often does
nothing more than prolong the adjustment process.
Trust is a two-way street: trust in yourself allows trust in
others. Trust demands openness and openness exposes you to the
risk of disappointment or rejection. Start slowly and cautiously.
Using caution you can develop a healthier relationship style
founded on your new sense of self-esteem. Clearly the rewards are
worth the risks.
Trust is an issue for the children of divorce. As we have
emphasized, children often will blame themselves for one parent's
leaving unless the reason for the departure is clearly explained
to them. The more trust you place in your children now, the more
trust they are likely to place in you in the future.
SEX IS STILL IMPORTANT
Recently divorced people can be traumatized by the thought of
dating. They feel they are old, unattractive, awkward, and no
longer know the rules. Worse, they often have their parents'
morality holding them back with the admonition to be
"good." Furthermore, their own teenagers may be
dictating their dating behavior by less-than-subtle suggestions.
No wonder dating is confusing and uncertain and sexual hangups
are so common.
Sexuality can be a major problem because it has been made such
a big issue in Western culture. It is difficult to have a
"normal" sexual relationship in a society where sex is
used to sell everything from toothpaste to toenail clippers.
Then, too, there is considerable confusions to the role each
gender should play in this era of feminism. Can a man still pay
the check without making the woman feel dependent? Can a woman
call up a man and ask him out without seeming forward? These and
many other questions make the resumption of sexual relationships
both frightening and fascinating.
During the early stages of divorce recovery it is common for
the divorced person to be totally uninterested in sex. Often this
is followed by a period of deep longing for sexual contact that
can be very difficult to deal with. Some cannot accept the idea
of sex without marriage, while others are unable to accept their
sexual feelings at all. One way to deal with this problem is to
recognize that our bodies need to be touched and held and that
sexual contact is not necessarily the whole or the only answer to
this need. Affection shown by and to friends and children can be
a warm and reassuring way to maintain human contact until life
can broaden out once more.
But as more personal -- and potentially sexual --
possibilities come into view, the key is to be both honest and
cautious. Do not go beyond your comfort range, but do feel free
to admit discomfort to your new social contacts. The fact that
there are no clear rules for courting today can be frustrating
but it also provides you with the opportunity to set your own
rules and create the best possible intimate relationship.
The sexuality stage is important for children because they
need adult role models of both sexes. Children often are
confused, frustrated, or intimidated by a parent's involvement in
a new love relationship. Your attention, along with thoughtful
and affectionate communication, is critical at this point. You
must make a clear, sincere effort to talk frankly about sex and
relationships. Remember that your child's strong reaction may be
less of a response to your new relationship than to the fact that
the child is just beginning to struggle with the whole notion of
his or her own sexuality and independence.
It is very important to deal thoroughly with the issues raised
here before proceeding to the next state. Some indications that
you have passed this stage are: you are comfortable going out
with potential love partners; you know and can explain your
present moral attitudes and values; you feel capable of having a
deep and meaningful sexual relationship; your sexual behavior is
consistent with your morality; and you are behaving morally --
the way you would like your children to behave.
FREEDOM
Freedom in this sense is simply the freedom to fulfill your
own potential in the present. This does not mean that your life
will be blissful or that you will not run into any more problem
relationships. Instead it means that you have loosened the bonds
of negative patterns that have controlled you. The fundamental
enemies of divorce recovery are not the other spouse or the legal
process; rather they are the enemies that we all carry within us
-- such enemies as guilt, self-doubt, perceived inadequacy, and
fear of relationships. With recovery, we no longer focus so much
on the past, and are freer to live in the present, which is the
only place we can really be anyway.
Copyright © 1993,1997
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